an update
These last two weeks have been crazy for me. I know that is a term I (and the world around me) throws around allot, but please believe me when I say, these last two weeks have been crazy. I've not spoken to many of you during them, sometimes ignoring phonecalls, or texts, and sometimes just glad you didn't contact me. I didn't have the energy for anything more than what I had on my plate already this week.
Thanks for understanding:-)
two fridays ago, I was finally going to head to the doctor to have them look at this cronic stuffiness I've been exhibiting. I had called a friend to drive me to the doctor, because although I wasn't feeling too bad, I wasn't sure if I trusted myself to drive. Good thing I called her, because by the time she got here, I was on the floor with another of my usual attacks. Between R. and E.'s ministrations, however (including turning an arizona tea jug into a hotwater bottle) I felt somewhat at ease, through the same old fustration and worry.
R. and I share the same doctor now, so she called her for me (what a wonderful new discovery, you can call your doctor when you're sick)
We called the doctor because previously I had already set up different appointments through her to see if we could make headway with this. At the doctors suggestion, we called 911. This was hard for me, because as most of you know, I've been through this before. It's humiliating and frustrating to have to parade through a host of paramedics and doctors who are looking for a quick fix and who are seeing from my charts that I'm alright now. However, both E. and R. were aware of this frustration and they talked me through it. R. even went to the emergency room with me and ran interference with doctors for me, at times even politily suggesting the doctors do their job and not lecture me based on a supposed hypothesis. They took blood and gave me a drip for dehydration and sent me on my merry way. It was a very frustrating day. monday was also bad, since I had to make the rounds with the faculty and explain why there was an ambulance outside. I've received more medical advise than I can handle, and more pitying looks as well. I had gotten the doctors to look at my congestion, which saved me an aditional trip to the doctors, and they had given me antibiotics. The antibiotics aggravated the symtoms so I actually look like I have a cold now, and need to go in again to get another dose of medication. Poor students wandering into my office, I seem to always be some sort of sick. I also had a doctors visit, cardiologist this time, and it was very nice, took all afternoon for them to tell me nothing but come back for another appointment. What it's narrowing down to is lifestyle changes, so no more alcohol, smoking or caffeine :-( as well as very healthy food and excercise :-)
During all this, I've also been thinking about the future and where I should end up, what my goals should be... These last two weeks have changed allot there as well. I can't explain the ramifications of this completely yet, but I've felt these last two weeks like a"patient, etherised on the table" I've realized that although the combination of events are not anything that breaks a woman, because of my own habits and frame of mind, they came close to crushing me. Maybe they did, in a good way.
Anyways. I didn't want to share allot of that with you, because I was tired of always being tired and broken and whiney, but I then realized how selfish that was of me, to keep from you all something that was forfront in my thoughts anyways. So, don't feel like you have to mention anything concerning this, but I just wanted you to know what was really going on these last few days.
I think these last two weeks have been contrasted by the poem and psalm below:
41. ‘No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief’
NO worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief,
More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring.
Comforter, where, where is your comforting?
Mary, mother of us, where is your relief?
My cries heave, herds-long; huddle in a main, a chief 5
Woe, world-sorrow; on an age-old anvil wince and sing—
Then lull, then leave off. Fury had shrieked ‘No ling-
ering! Let me be fell: force I must be brief’.
O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall
Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap 10
May who ne’er hung there. Nor does long our small
Durance deal with that steep or deep. Here! creep,
Wretch, under a comfort serves in a whirlwind: all
Life death does end and each day dies with sleep.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Thanks for understanding:-)
two fridays ago, I was finally going to head to the doctor to have them look at this cronic stuffiness I've been exhibiting. I had called a friend to drive me to the doctor, because although I wasn't feeling too bad, I wasn't sure if I trusted myself to drive. Good thing I called her, because by the time she got here, I was on the floor with another of my usual attacks. Between R. and E.'s ministrations, however (including turning an arizona tea jug into a hotwater bottle) I felt somewhat at ease, through the same old fustration and worry.
R. and I share the same doctor now, so she called her for me (what a wonderful new discovery, you can call your doctor when you're sick)
We called the doctor because previously I had already set up different appointments through her to see if we could make headway with this. At the doctors suggestion, we called 911. This was hard for me, because as most of you know, I've been through this before. It's humiliating and frustrating to have to parade through a host of paramedics and doctors who are looking for a quick fix and who are seeing from my charts that I'm alright now. However, both E. and R. were aware of this frustration and they talked me through it. R. even went to the emergency room with me and ran interference with doctors for me, at times even politily suggesting the doctors do their job and not lecture me based on a supposed hypothesis. They took blood and gave me a drip for dehydration and sent me on my merry way. It was a very frustrating day. monday was also bad, since I had to make the rounds with the faculty and explain why there was an ambulance outside. I've received more medical advise than I can handle, and more pitying looks as well. I had gotten the doctors to look at my congestion, which saved me an aditional trip to the doctors, and they had given me antibiotics. The antibiotics aggravated the symtoms so I actually look like I have a cold now, and need to go in again to get another dose of medication. Poor students wandering into my office, I seem to always be some sort of sick. I also had a doctors visit, cardiologist this time, and it was very nice, took all afternoon for them to tell me nothing but come back for another appointment. What it's narrowing down to is lifestyle changes, so no more alcohol, smoking or caffeine :-( as well as very healthy food and excercise :-)
During all this, I've also been thinking about the future and where I should end up, what my goals should be... These last two weeks have changed allot there as well. I can't explain the ramifications of this completely yet, but I've felt these last two weeks like a"patient, etherised on the table" I've realized that although the combination of events are not anything that breaks a woman, because of my own habits and frame of mind, they came close to crushing me. Maybe they did, in a good way.
Anyways. I didn't want to share allot of that with you, because I was tired of always being tired and broken and whiney, but I then realized how selfish that was of me, to keep from you all something that was forfront in my thoughts anyways. So, don't feel like you have to mention anything concerning this, but I just wanted you to know what was really going on these last few days.
I think these last two weeks have been contrasted by the poem and psalm below:
41. ‘No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief’
NO worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief,
More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring.
Comforter, where, where is your comforting?
Mary, mother of us, where is your relief?
My cries heave, herds-long; huddle in a main, a chief 5
Woe, world-sorrow; on an age-old anvil wince and sing—
Then lull, then leave off. Fury had shrieked ‘No ling-
ering! Let me be fell: force I must be brief’.
O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall
Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap 10
May who ne’er hung there. Nor does long our small
Durance deal with that steep or deep. Here! creep,
Wretch, under a comfort serves in a whirlwind: all
Life death does end and each day dies with sleep.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
posted by Gwen at
5:55 AM
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