an update

These last two weeks have been crazy for me. I know that is a term I (and the world around me) throws around allot, but please believe me when I say, these last two weeks have been crazy. I've not spoken to many of you during them, sometimes ignoring phonecalls, or texts, and sometimes just glad you didn't contact me. I didn't have the energy for anything more than what I had on my plate already this week.
Thanks for understanding:-)

two fridays ago, I was finally going to head to the doctor to have them look at this cronic stuffiness I've been exhibiting. I had called a friend to drive me to the doctor, because although I wasn't feeling too bad, I wasn't sure if I trusted myself to drive. Good thing I called her, because by the time she got here, I was on the floor with another of my usual attacks. Between R. and E.'s ministrations, however (including turning an arizona tea jug into a hotwater bottle) I felt somewhat at ease, through the same old fustration and worry.
R. and I share the same doctor now, so she called her for me (what a wonderful new discovery, you can call your doctor when you're sick)
We called the doctor because previously I had already set up different appointments through her to see if we could make headway with this. At the doctors suggestion, we called 911. This was hard for me, because as most of you know, I've been through this before. It's humiliating and frustrating to have to parade through a host of paramedics and doctors who are looking for a quick fix and who are seeing from my charts that I'm alright now. However, both E. and R. were aware of this frustration and they talked me through it. R. even went to the emergency room with me and ran interference with doctors for me, at times even politily suggesting the doctors do their job and not lecture me based on a supposed hypothesis. They took blood and gave me a drip for dehydration and sent me on my merry way. It was a very frustrating day. monday was also bad, since I had to make the rounds with the faculty and explain why there was an ambulance outside. I've received more medical advise than I can handle, and more pitying looks as well. I had gotten the doctors to look at my congestion, which saved me an aditional trip to the doctors, and they had given me antibiotics. The antibiotics aggravated the symtoms so I actually look like I have a cold now, and need to go in again to get another dose of medication. Poor students wandering into my office, I seem to always be some sort of sick. I also had a doctors visit, cardiologist this time, and it was very nice, took all afternoon for them to tell me nothing but come back for another appointment. What it's narrowing down to is lifestyle changes, so no more alcohol, smoking or caffeine :-( as well as very healthy food and excercise :-)
During all this, I've also been thinking about the future and where I should end up, what my goals should be... These last two weeks have changed allot there as well. I can't explain the ramifications of this completely yet, but I've felt these last two weeks like a"patient, etherised on the table" I've realized that although the combination of events are not anything that breaks a woman, because of my own habits and frame of mind, they came close to crushing me. Maybe they did, in a good way.
Anyways. I didn't want to share allot of that with you, because I was tired of always being tired and broken and whiney, but I then realized how selfish that was of me, to keep from you all something that was forfront in my thoughts anyways. So, don't feel like you have to mention anything concerning this, but I just wanted you to know what was really going on these last few days.


I think these last two weeks have been contrasted by the poem and psalm below:

41. ‘No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief’


NO worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief,
More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring.
Comforter, where, where is your comforting?
Mary, mother of us, where is your relief?
My cries heave, herds-long; huddle in a main, a chief 5
Woe, world-sorrow; on an age-old anvil wince and sing—
Then lull, then leave off. Fury had shrieked ‘No ling-
ering! Let me be fell: force I must be brief’.

O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall
Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap 10
May who ne’er hung there. Nor does long our small
Durance deal with that steep or deep. Here! creep,
Wretch, under a comfort serves in a whirlwind: all
Life death does end and each day dies with sleep.
Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

grad school bliss

the joy in doing things that you have looked forward to for a long time is that your life is moving forward. So often life tends to be winding paths and suprise discoveries, reevaluations. But occasionaly, the winding road takes you on a turn that lands you out on a plateau from which you can see the whole road behind you for a moment. I had a moment like that today when I mailed out the applications. I could see me reading under the covers at night, trying to finish a book before the morning, learning how to sleep with my eyes open in class so no one would know how late I'd been up, and that memory fit into a pattern I had not seen untill now. I do love to analyse and look and dissect. and to get feedback from people as I'm going through this afirming me in that choice... priceless.
I have two more applications to go. once they are done it will be in G-d's hands. It's in his hands now, but we share the burden of responsability at this point.
And if I don't get in this fall, there is always the spring. and the fall after that. because I now know that this is what I want. I don't want to spend 8 hours out of my day at a job just to make money so that I can have the occasional vacation in mexico. I want to spend my days doing what is intentionaly withing my giftings.
and so.. goodnight. I promise I will turn out the lights on time tonight. It's only 2:30 after all. sleep is for the dead.

The final countdown

this is it people. the hatches are battned down, the mast is lashed to the deck, al portholes are sealed, and we are heading into the storm.
At this time friday, which is 48 hours from now, you may call me, to find out wether I have survived the storm or wether I have sunk beneath the waves.

ahem. What I mean to say in everyday, grown up english is that the deadlines are closing in, friday being d-day. I found two amazing mac programs to help me with my french entries, but they still need work, and my dutch entry is giving me trouble because I don't trust myself enought to write well constructed sentences in it after the French and English papers.

BUT the good news is I looked at my GRE scores again and this is what they tell me (No, it's not like reading tealeaves. not at all.)

Scores 6 and 5.5:
(for the sake of modesty I will confess that I received the 5.5, not a perfect 6)
sustains insightfull, in-depth analysis of complex ideas: develops and supports main points with logically compelling reasons and/or highly persuasive examples: is well focused and well organized; skillfully uses sentence variety and precice vocabulary to convey meaning effectivly; demonstrates superior facility with sentence structure and language usage but may have minor errors that do not interfere with meaning.

well, that makes me think I can crack this grad apps thing.

but in case, G-d has been VERY (read uncomfortably) active in my life, and allot of things are reaching a culmination point. so my big prayer request is that I can keep my willingness to participate in life and that I can sleep. I realize that my head is so full of things that I don't fall asleep untill two hours after I go to bed, and then I wake up often. Please pray that the time between when my head hits the pillow and when my alarm goes off will be completely taken up with sleep.

It's 11:15 at night, and I am wearing a white dress, blue scarf and way to much jewelry. My bed is overflowing with clothes and an empty suitcase, I've eaten my way through half a box of chocolates. Yep, I'm packing.
I've been trying to pack all night, actually. I should know by now that I need at least a week to get ready. Instead I'm running on last minute panick, and desperatly trying to remember how I feel about my clothes.
I never seem to hit the balance right, my cloths are good for me and New York, but I always land in Florida and realize, hmmm to bright or something. oh well.

I write in order not to panick

Hello dear friends!
This post is short and I hope sweet. Tomorrow I have the privilege of teaching 3 sections of College Writing. I've already been grading their papers and I've enjoyed it immensely. I hope you all get this in time to pray for my 8 o'clock class.
I'm really nervous, because this is the test, this is the metaphoric petal hitting the equally metaphoric metal. If I can do this, and if I enjoy this, it's off to grad school, and in this economy, that is a huge faith thing right there. but baby steps, baby steps. I hope I get through tomorrow. and then the next day, which is homecoming and then Monday, when I teach again.
anyways. this is a garbled bit of writing, but I was wondering if I could ask all of you who read this to send me a quick email of why you think I would be a good college professor, I'm in need of some clarity here.
thanks all!

well hello again!

I'm writing this at 8:3o on a friday evening. I've been at work for 11 hours! wow, I didn't realize how long it was untill I did the math right then.
It's registration week at school, which means things are apt to get a little crazy and buzy. I feel more stressed than I did this time last year because I'm actually trying to maintain good eating habits and such, which is why I'm writting now, because it's relaxing for me to write, and because I'm to tired to call any of you.
Basically, the friday before the first weekend in school is the last chance we have to get students signed up for private lessons, which I then schedule friday night, it's like sacrificing a night to be on track the next week. The only problem is that all of my students were so confusing coming in, that I didn't prepare lists as I should have, so now, the Private Lessons are a little backed up.
I finally understand those emails dad used to send about his work on cars, and no family news. work is the only thing in my brain right now. Let me see if I can shift gears..
My Landlords are amazing. some of you heard they keep me stocked with food. I have a pasta waiting for me in the fridge at home, when I get there. They've given me enough fruit to keep me well healthy this last week.
The appartment is just my size. I have enoug room to not feel like I'm crowded in there, but it's small enough that I don't get overwhelmed with the upkeep. (it takes very little to overwhelm me in that department) AND IT HAS A WALKIN CLOSET!!!
I feel allot better in this place. Last night I talked to my Bro, while sitting outside and the breeze blowing around my little porch area reminded me a little of Switzerland. Me Gusto Mucho!
I'm going to the REN fair tomorrow, and NOT dressing up. I decided I'd like to wear jeans. I am however, strapping on my Dirk I bought last time, and even though I have to keep it tied in it's sheeth, it will be worth it.
I also had people ask about bookclub, which I didn't think I'd do this term, and about Hands of Compassion, which looks like it will be a good year! I'm meeting with McD next week about teaching his courses when he's gone.
Anyways, more (as always) later.

Being mistaken for being pregnant...

is only really insulting when your stomach has decided to take on NBA impersonations.
When you're leaning out of a car in the middle of the street in a pool of vomit, it's kind of a relief. Since you can't talk, it's nice that you don't have too.
And yes, the above would indicate that I had ANOTHER one of my attacks.
I was feeding cats, and walked out of the house, into my car, and lost it.
Thank God for Vivian, the pleasant German voice, that came wafting over my car door. She was very sympathetic because she has two kids of her own. I couldn't talk more than whisper at the time, so I don't think I purposefully mislead her about my condition (I clarified later) She understood me enough to call L. at work, who came down, but not before Joanna, the neighbour came out and covered me in cold compresses and brought me water. Vivian stuck around too. There is nothing so nice as comforting hands rubbing mine and my forehead as I'm trying to ride waves of consciousness and discomfort.
I spent the morning in my car on a suburban road in Nyack, trying not to panic.
And you know then thing was, that the first moments were the worst, when I was trying to think logically about what to do. Should I go back inside? No, I'd pass out on the ground and throw up inside, where someone one else will have to clean it up. Do I stay in my car, and hang out the side? what if a weird person stops? my purse is right beside me, with all my info in it. It's not safe. which made me upset because, isn't this Loving God supposed to take care of me?
Then I realized that I seem to think that God will always put me in safe areas, to keep me secure. why I think that I don't know. Made sense at the time I guess. But sitting in that car, I though, well, OK. This is not a safe situations. I'm halfway in the street with the car door open and I can't move. (I wasn't thinking THAT coherently at the time, I'm superimposing structure post-incident. I get that from reading too many books) I'm completely vulnerable, through no choice of my own (I had actually taken very good care of myself, and as per previous incidents I should have been fine once I got to the car. I don't know why this time it kicked into hyper drive) Well, no time like the present for God to show up and protect me. That's when I gave up. (OK to be fair, I also didn't much care at that point, as my entire existence seemed to have centered on my breathing.)
And that's when I heard that lovely German voice ask me how I was doing.
Of all the times I've passed out in strange places, this was, I think, my favorite! Everyone involved was truly sympathetic and completely unknown to me, no-one though I was drunk and, my favorite, no one called 911. I was able to talk enough to convince them it was unnecessary.
L. picked me up and tucked me in on her sofa, and I spendt the rest of the day watching movies. but she also found some more leads on what could be wrong with me. so back to the doctor I go armed with another round of names and symptoms.
I think the best part was when Joanna was describing my condition back to me, and she was trying to see how my life would have to be organized around this. And it hit me again, that, wow, maybe, eventually I can take control of this, but in the meantime, I am done feeling as if I'm a weakling for giving into this ( not that I have much choice, but I always assumed, somewhere inside, that if I only had more willpower, I could get through it)
Anyways. the rest of my life continues on. I'm taking my car in to the shop today to get some things looked at. I've decided to take the tiny litte apartment one street away. It will do me well for now, and lets face it, I've got no family, no pets and I''m making pretty basic money. What more do I need?
more later