In the library again. where I live.
I owe everyone a post on the new things in my life, but a very very basic overview is the
1) I'm down to part time at my job. meaning I have more time for school. This was a tough choice made allot easier by the realization that I have too much on my plate for one person to handle. I lined everything up and thought, what is most expendable? At that point, I though, nothing is, I need to fit everything in. my job, my friends, my school. so I tried to pray about it, and realized I couldn't pray. which stopped me pretty dead in my tracks, I mean, that's a clear sign of something, but what? so I prayed about not being able to pray. That prayer went through. the answer back (and I still don't know what else to call it than an answer. I'm using awfully simple language to describe something intensely inexplicable) was something I didn't want to hear, but knew to be true. What use is there in praying if I'm not willing to risk? I looked at my list again, but this time, keeping in mind the idea that if I were to trust god, to trust life, what would that change? the answer surprised me. Without a question, my job. It's expendable. I'd received enough in student loans to keep me safe for a few months, and I only need a year to get my masters.
taking three classes a term will have me done by fall 2012. While I hate being on student loans, truly get sick to my stomach thinking about it, the real reason is that it means that it's beyond my control. I'm not in control, and I owe someone money. two very horrible things to me.
2) I've been offered an opportunity to publish a chapter in a book this may. the topic is J.D Salinger, Down At The Dingy.
its my own chapter. This in and off itself is huge for my carreer.
3) I'm going to the dominican republic for a five night all inclusive vacation. a deal popped up that was so irristable I couldn't refuse. for almost as much as the airfare alone, M and I got an all inclusive deal. And don't worry, we both did extensive research. the place is legite. it's a dead season of the year, they had rooms to fill, and cheaper is better than non at all.
It might be a little indulgent of me, but the one message I keep hearing from people is 'have fun', relax, unwind.. and yes, I've been so uptight and downright scared of things NOT being OK, of being a failure, of losing everything, of losing control, that I've forgotten how to have fun. so I'm going to have a wonderful, carribean adventure for 5 days with a good friend. I'm slowly starting to enjoy the idea.

Well, all said, much change. I'm tracing the outline of the life I want to live, and seeing if I can fit the mold.
next steps, masters thesis, applying for adjunct positions, presenting in kentucky. life suddenly got very full,
but waking up has gotten easier, as I think of the day and say to myself, I have four NEW hours in every day to study in... four WHOLE hours.

hard thing to face

I just found out that one of the artists I love has announced she's gay, and a christian. I have friends who are gay, and very happy..
I live in a society in which we all hear the news, we all are told so many scary things, and yet no one listens. I almost cried when the barista at starbucks handed me a paper cup after asking for a to-stay mug. he made me complicite in needless waste. I was in NY city and l looked up at the skyscrapers and felt like a prophet of doom. how long? how long do we have?
Wandering through NY, I was constantly being bombarded with advertisement, advertisement, advertisement. I was desperatly looking for Alan Ginsberg's HOLY, HOLY, HOLY, and found only noise and demands.
I looked to the students I was chauffeuring and singled only two out who knew how to converse meaningfully. and even then, only on the topic of ourselves. We are silent when it comes to anything else. We are so bombarded with things and events we do not sift through our own selves and settle down into them. Debate on topics is impossible, because we do not know what we mean when we use words.

I can't leave my house to go for a stroll without meeting with cookie cutter suburban houses, badly made, and larger than necesary. decorated with useless toys and a large TV.
so much of my life is sitting and staring at screens. computers, T.V's .
and When I am done with these questions I still look west and east and south and wonder... if we took all the money in the offering plate, and gave it to the poor. if we took away our church buildings and met in houses. If we threw out our T.V's and put up easels instead. if we remembered how to sing the songs we listen to know. If we all rode bikes and though about what we were doing.

Intent. where has the intent gone?

My friends, forgive me.. I live alone, so these thoughts percolate untill I find an outlet.
At the moment, Diego is begging me to play with him. and as he rarely does that.m, I will oblige him. thoughts are welcome

dove in the shower

this morning I watched the soapsuds drain down the shower head. They formed the figure of a stylized dove, wings sketched to her side, and her neck stretched out away from her body, reaching for something. As she slowly slipped down towards the bottom of the bath, she began to be pulled by the passing water, and lose definition.
Because I'm a hopeless romantic, I'd like to think things are symbols, that can teach us something. I don't think everything is a message written especially for you in bright happy crayon colours, but I do think that events are such that they collaborate to challenge you, or allow you to take the party going on in your head (worries, conflicts, insecurities) and place them outside, with a visual for you to think about.
The dove had wings, but never used them as she slowly lost definition. stereotypical girl-tatoos aside, wings are a powerful image. They are truly your own (if you're of the avian persuasion) they are a muscle, they take practice. and at one point, you have to jump of off a high place to test them out, not knowing they will actually unfold.
I'd like to point out that trust is a hard thing, because we have so many examples of it going wrong. A bird jumping out of it's nest might be doing so after watching it's brother jump and fail to execute. He might be jumping with the visible remains of the last jumper laying in plain sight below. That's not just trust, but courage, and a dash of recklessness.
but if you don't 'ahem' spread your wings and fly. (yes it hurt to even type that kind of cheese) you'll flow down the drain with the rest of the soapsuds (ha, how's that for mixing metaphors)
It's not the 90 minutes recommended by stephen king for fledgeling writers, but it's pretty much all I have to say about today.