short and garbled

since the last post, I've been packing, and saying goodbye to people. I've been allowing myself to luxuriate in the company of my friends, shamelessly enjoying them like a long drink of water on a hot summers day. at the same time, I've been crying regularly, mourning like I have never mourned before, in part, because I feel this separation more than any other. All other moves, I had a destination, a goal in mind, and I had the hope that maybe where I was going, I would learn to feel alright, I would be OK. This move, I know I'm not ok, and I know what I'm leaving behind. And oddly enough, in these last few days, I am missing not only Nyack, but the parts of Belgium Nyack reminded me of. I'm going to miss the chocolate shop in Nyack, not just because it's chocolate, but because it has all of my childhood candy in it, and the proprietor speaks dutch. And the packaging is in dutch. It was in Nyack that I realized that although I will never fit in anywhere, I can still be myself and add to the scenery. This post is mostly self analytical, as I look around my room in boxes yet again. I love moving, I love new experiences, but I am afraid of losing what I have here. I woke up this morning singing Dutch songs to myself, desperately missing my language. one I'm not so sure I can still speak. One that won't ship books to the U.S because they know no one here speaks it. My parents were foreigners in my culture, now I'm going to be a stranger in theirs.
Ik kan maar met moeite omschakelen naar het vlaams, en ik denk daarom dat ik aan het zingen was, om de klank en vorm van de taal te vatten. Moet de storm deze weekend, kreeg ik plots enorm heimwee, met all dat wind, en de bomen die omgeblazen werden. Deed me denken aan een storm die we ooit in Belgie gehad hadden. Vlaams is ergens toch wel de helft van mijn moedertaal. Ik weet dat dit nooit gevraagd word op een enquete, maar toch. Als ik mij niet bezig houd met het nederlands dan ben ik minder mijzelf. maakt momenteel niet uit hoe slecht mijn spelling of grammatica is. Ik mis het, ik mis het zo. Ik moest gisteren, toen ik voor het laatst afscheid nam van vrienden, en erger, mensen die vrienden hadden kunnen worden, plots in het vlaams huilen en vloeken. En dan pas kon ik voelen dat ik echt weg was. tja. Mischien moet ik mij meer bezig houden met het schrijven in het nederlands, maar dan moet ik echt weer gaan studeeren. Nyack, ik ga u missen, mischien kom ik terug, maar niet meer alleen. God, kunnen we dat afspreken? Ik ben het zo beu om de wereld door te gaan op m'n eentje. En het is niet meer gezond voor mij om dit te doen. alsjeblieft?

moving

many of you already know this, but I am moving back to Florida. I know that this is sudden to many, but believe me, it was not an impulse decision. Back in April, when I quite my job, I told myself I had 4 months to get better and find another job. I was functioning under the (now proven delusional) notion that I was suffering from an illness that was temporary, and would go away if treated right. I got my feet back under me, and was heading back into the big bad world of employment and school, and was hit by another wave of sickness. This time it was different, because I was conscious of what was going on every step of the way. I was aware of what I should be doing, and what was taking place in my body. Yet this knowledge didn't help the episode be any less draining, and it didn't stop me from losing a day of training at work, and missing a job interview the next day. With my 4 months up at the end of august, and that ever dreaded word,Finances, looming in the near future, I finally called my parents and took them up on their longstanding offer of moving back to Florida to recuperate. The decision is a sad one, as I have made a home for myself here, with many wonderful friends who know me very well. More than any other place, Nyack has been healthy for me, in all but the physical sense. It is hard, hard, hard to leave, but I am encouraged by these same wonderful friends who have already checked online fares to Florida and are planning mini vacations to visit me. I also am realizing that I leave nothing behind me, I take it all with me. My memories, my books, my projects, my hopes and dreams... I remember a quote I found in Capernwray, although I've never been able to place who and where. " I not leave my heart behind me, as they say in love letter. No, I will carry it with me, over the mountains, because I need it. Always." This is not to say pieces of me will be in Nyack forever, but I will not diminish when I go. I go to become a healthier me, a better me.. anyways, there it is, my update. If you are in the New York region, please schedule a visit before I leave!!! Pretty please, I will beg if required.