Thursday, April 28, 2011

work and failure

This is an interesting post to write. but I find myself hesitant to put my thoughts down on paper, because I'm not sure of the medium. I'm writing this blog so that people will read this, so that I can tell allot of people at the same time what's going on so I don't have to duplicate things, yet I wonder how many people really hear me when I write? I write because I'm more eloquent in writing, I've never been good in expressing myself verbally, I suppose I need to reread things to make sure I have the gist right. Are you reading this? are you understanding it?
You know, the worst thing some say is to be alone and to know it. I think I agree. please let me know I'm not alone in this.
and now for the real news: this week, I heard yet again from a doctor. I apparently am allergic to dust mites, and that's it. that would be great news except that I exhibit allergic symptoms to all sorts of weather and to animals. the conclusion is that the vagus nerve is causing this on top of the already acerbated dust allergy and something called seasonal rhinitis. the malfunctioning of the vagus nerve is also what is causing my fainting and my asthma. The news was devastating to me. I hadn't really realized how devastating it was because people were just hearing it and not reacting to it. but what it means is that I will never, from now on, be able to live without taking this into consideration. I should be glad it's not something serious, or immediately life threatening. but I'm not. I'm scared, and angry. I feel like my body has let me down. I feel like all those pep talks about accepting yourself, and that you are a beautifully person, really, were lies. I'm not. my body is actually broken. and it won't be fixed. I need to stop thinking I can make it better, and accept that I am fundamentally broken. my body is lesser than other bodies, and it always will be.
I'm already accepting this, and working out a plan. but it isn't easy. my homework has suffered, I've quite my job, I'm trying to find a balance of right behaviour, and at the same time accept that right behaviour will at times mean jack squat. I'm working on accepting that I will slur words, forget words at times, that I have to plan my movements at times so that I don't collapse, that I have very little control over when these moments will strike. I'm working on listening to myself and not to the advice of others, who over the years have told me to walk it off, brush it off, be tougher. who have told me it was mono, depression, laziness... I have to forgive myself for the opportunities missed, the events cancelled, the friends stood up. I have to figure out what to tell people! do I let them know up front that this body of mine is untrust worthy? that it might let me down in subtle ways hardly noticeable to others... or that it might strike me down in the middle of the road on a hot summers day, to be rescued by strangers? there are so many things to learn too. did I actually have a depression last year, or was it caused by the seasonal onset of all three manifestations of the vasal vascular condition?
In all this, I hope to learn to relax, to accept it, and to live with it graciously. there's only experimental medication available now, and that only linked to one of the manifestations (fainting). it doesn't consider the others (constricted airways, asthma).
ah well.


Blogger The Chews said...

Yes, I'm reading it! And yes, I understood. Well, not from experience, but you're writing was very clear. Thanks for the update. Will be praying for you!

7:56 PM  
Blogger The Chews said...

Yes, I'm reading! And I do understand - the writing, that is. I can't say that I've been where you are with health issues and all that is tied up in that, but I will be praying. It's definitely be hard to face some of the realities of our lives. I'm learning in other arenas of life that the Lord's grace is not only sufficient but completely necessary for me to get through even part of a day. May His grace be all that you need and more!

8:01 PM  
Blogger Claude Chew said...

Praying for you! We are all fundamentally broken, that's why we need Jesus to make us whole and heal us in every way, shape, form possible.

6:23 AM  
Blogger Maria E said...

hey precious! we are all broken every one of us, some more noticeably than others but we came to this world broken. God has a plan and for everything there is a reason. don't let it get you down try to see the silver lining in all this (yes there is one ;-)...) "always look on the bright side of life..." easier said than done in our family but not not impossible!
I'm with you with a lot of those feelings.praying for you!

8:18 AM  
Blogger Karin said...

HOW is it possible that I didn't know you had a blog until now? You'll be seeing a lot more comments- I know what it's like to feel like you're talking to yourself! Love you lots and am glad you decided to share- not an easy choice but the only way to not face this alone. And I hope you know that you never are!

12:33 PM  
Blogger Karin said...

HOW is it possible that I didn't know you had a blog? You'll be seeing a lot more comments in the future- I know what it's like to feel like you're talking to yourself and no one is listening. I'm glad you decided to share- I know it wasn't an easy decision, but the only way to make sure you don't have go through this alone. (and I hope you know that!)
love you lots!!

12:46 PM  
Blogger Ben Greene said...

I think it's the acceptance of your brokenness that is the beginning of strength and that will allow you to further understand how beautiful you are in God and other's eyes. My heart crumbles with yours but may my prayers enhance the Father's attention to your sorrow.
You've got my digits. Call any hour to scream your indignation. We all need that as we all tread this dust waste.

9:02 PM  

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