Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Today is NOT a good day. not. at. all.
I'm at my desk at work, trying to get up the something the anything to get going.
I woke up late, and couldn't remember why I should get out of bed before the last minute. Didn't come up with anything, so I slept in untill almost to late. I had one of my oh my god I can't believe I let myself get so big days yesterday, so eating breakfast was gag inducing for me. But I got it down. Lunch will be another fun moment today.
I'm close to tears, probably will be all day.

Monday, June 07, 2010

I fell in love

So after gripping and complaining about americans not knowing how to make bikes, I find this. at target. I just need to make sure they have it in stock at my target. here's hoping.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

I spent this morning in bed, sleeping in. I had been doing very well with my new schedule, eating properly and keeping on track with regular everyday things. I even managed to get a run in before the week was out.
All this was to the good, but I could feel a sense of panic welling up in me at how good I was doing. I felt as if my mind wasn't catching up with my actions. My mind still wants to hide with it's metaphoric head in the sand. So I took the day off. This way, I won't be taking a day out of work later, and I won't be as tired going into next week. I'm sitting in the Orangeburg library writing this, trying to keep my mind from wandering into different rabbit trails. I've already made a summer dress I decided I don't like and made pancakes, and cleaned the kitchen. not much by way of accomplismnet but still. I'm focusing on enjoying myself. on doing what is enjoyable for today. I have the hardest time just enjoying myself. I'm hosting a game night tonight, and that is enjoyable. This is a rambling post, but The Goal here is for me to begin to give you all honest updates on what I am doing. And that is a hard enough venture right now. I know in time I will be able to read and edit my posts in a manner more satisfying to me, and probably to you, but right now, I am just forcing myself to keep the channels of communication open.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Today, I fell of the bandwagon a little. I didn't land on the ground, but I got jostled pretty close to it.
I think it important to let you all know that I am fighting the urge to crawl back into my shell and to stop talking about myself and my struggles. It feels like I'm keeping an ugly sore open by continual prodding even thought I've only put up one post, but I know its more like I'm closing the doors of a house that still needs to be aired out. I think in metaphors, in case you hadn't noticed.
I'm feeling like the limit for tolerance of my "emotional problems" is being stretched and I am afraid of finding out the limit has been overshot. I'm feeling out the edges of this new mindset, and setting it down for you all to read in a moment of -possibly deluded- self disclosure.
I'm on the up, but I still have moments, and I still have a hard time focusing on connecting with people. Conversations can be difficult because I don't want to whine about myself, and yet I still am only capable of sustaining my own thoughts, of policing them, and following them down to their roots. My platform of experience is very shaky, still.

Other than the inside of my mind, my life is pretty good right now. I've officially moved into the new apartment, paid the rent and security deposit. I spent today cleaning the stains out of the carpet in my room, with satisfactory results. I also managed to get in a good workout running in my neighbourhood. It's surprising how little things allow me the courage to push through where I had failed before. The new apartment has a shower head that detaches. This reminds me of home, and the world is set right.
Running in this area reminds me of running in Belgium, and it's easier to push myself with those happy memories in mind.
I still am waiting to hear from Iona on whether or not I am accepted, but I'm fairly easy in my mind on that score.
My car is still running.
The weather is beautiful.
I just got a map of the hiking trails in the area in the mail (I did have to order it )
life is moving up. now if only I could keep these bad days from settling on me.