Today, I fell of the bandwagon a little. I didn't land on the ground, but I got jostled pretty close to it.
I think it important to let you all know that I am fighting the urge to crawl back into my shell and to stop talking about myself and my struggles. It feels like I'm keeping an ugly sore open by continual prodding even thought I've only put up one post, but I know its more like I'm closing the doors of a house that still needs to be aired out. I think in metaphors, in case you hadn't noticed.
I'm feeling like the limit for tolerance of my "emotional problems" is being stretched and I am afraid of finding out the limit has been overshot. I'm feeling out the edges of this new mindset, and setting it down for you all to read in a moment of -possibly deluded- self disclosure.
I'm on the up, but I still have moments, and I still have a hard time focusing on connecting with people. Conversations can be difficult because I don't want to whine about myself, and yet I still am only capable of sustaining my own thoughts, of policing them, and following them down to their roots. My platform of experience is very shaky, still.
Other than the inside of my mind, my life is pretty good right now. I've officially moved into the new apartment, paid the rent and security deposit. I spent today cleaning the stains out of the carpet in my room, with satisfactory results. I also managed to get in a good workout running in my neighbourhood. It's surprising how little things allow me the courage to push through where I had failed before. The new apartment has a shower head that detaches. This reminds me of home, and the world is set right.
Running in this area reminds me of running in Belgium, and it's easier to push myself with those happy memories in mind.
I still am waiting to hear from Iona on whether or not I am accepted, but I'm fairly easy in my mind on that score.
My car is still running.
The weather is beautiful.
I just got a map of the hiking trails in the area in the mail (I did have to order it )
life is moving up. now if only I could keep these bad days from settling on me.
I think it important to let you all know that I am fighting the urge to crawl back into my shell and to stop talking about myself and my struggles. It feels like I'm keeping an ugly sore open by continual prodding even thought I've only put up one post, but I know its more like I'm closing the doors of a house that still needs to be aired out. I think in metaphors, in case you hadn't noticed.
I'm feeling like the limit for tolerance of my "emotional problems" is being stretched and I am afraid of finding out the limit has been overshot. I'm feeling out the edges of this new mindset, and setting it down for you all to read in a moment of -possibly deluded- self disclosure.
I'm on the up, but I still have moments, and I still have a hard time focusing on connecting with people. Conversations can be difficult because I don't want to whine about myself, and yet I still am only capable of sustaining my own thoughts, of policing them, and following them down to their roots. My platform of experience is very shaky, still.
Other than the inside of my mind, my life is pretty good right now. I've officially moved into the new apartment, paid the rent and security deposit. I spent today cleaning the stains out of the carpet in my room, with satisfactory results. I also managed to get in a good workout running in my neighbourhood. It's surprising how little things allow me the courage to push through where I had failed before. The new apartment has a shower head that detaches. This reminds me of home, and the world is set right.
Running in this area reminds me of running in Belgium, and it's easier to push myself with those happy memories in mind.
I still am waiting to hear from Iona on whether or not I am accepted, but I'm fairly easy in my mind on that score.
My car is still running.
The weather is beautiful.
I just got a map of the hiking trails in the area in the mail (I did have to order it )
life is moving up. now if only I could keep these bad days from settling on me.
posted by Gwen at
7:24 PM
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