Thursday, April 28, 2011

work and failure

This is an interesting post to write. but I find myself hesitant to put my thoughts down on paper, because I'm not sure of the medium. I'm writing this blog so that people will read this, so that I can tell allot of people at the same time what's going on so I don't have to duplicate things, yet I wonder how many people really hear me when I write? I write because I'm more eloquent in writing, I've never been good in expressing myself verbally, I suppose I need to reread things to make sure I have the gist right. Are you reading this? are you understanding it?
You know, the worst thing some say is to be alone and to know it. I think I agree. please let me know I'm not alone in this.
and now for the real news: this week, I heard yet again from a doctor. I apparently am allergic to dust mites, and that's it. that would be great news except that I exhibit allergic symptoms to all sorts of weather and to animals. the conclusion is that the vagus nerve is causing this on top of the already acerbated dust allergy and something called seasonal rhinitis. the malfunctioning of the vagus nerve is also what is causing my fainting and my asthma. The news was devastating to me. I hadn't really realized how devastating it was because people were just hearing it and not reacting to it. but what it means is that I will never, from now on, be able to live without taking this into consideration. I should be glad it's not something serious, or immediately life threatening. but I'm not. I'm scared, and angry. I feel like my body has let me down. I feel like all those pep talks about accepting yourself, and that you are a beautifully person, really, were lies. I'm not. my body is actually broken. and it won't be fixed. I need to stop thinking I can make it better, and accept that I am fundamentally broken. my body is lesser than other bodies, and it always will be.
I'm already accepting this, and working out a plan. but it isn't easy. my homework has suffered, I've quite my job, I'm trying to find a balance of right behaviour, and at the same time accept that right behaviour will at times mean jack squat. I'm working on accepting that I will slur words, forget words at times, that I have to plan my movements at times so that I don't collapse, that I have very little control over when these moments will strike. I'm working on listening to myself and not to the advice of others, who over the years have told me to walk it off, brush it off, be tougher. who have told me it was mono, depression, laziness... I have to forgive myself for the opportunities missed, the events cancelled, the friends stood up. I have to figure out what to tell people! do I let them know up front that this body of mine is untrust worthy? that it might let me down in subtle ways hardly noticeable to others... or that it might strike me down in the middle of the road on a hot summers day, to be rescued by strangers? there are so many things to learn too. did I actually have a depression last year, or was it caused by the seasonal onset of all three manifestations of the vasal vascular condition?
In all this, I hope to learn to relax, to accept it, and to live with it graciously. there's only experimental medication available now, and that only linked to one of the manifestations (fainting). it doesn't consider the others (constricted airways, asthma).
ah well.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Why intelligent people take drugs

A title of an article I was reading prompted me to an anger-fueled rant. see below.
Intelligent people, like me, are always told that we have been given a better chance at life, that we will do well, and be positive. That we have a better chance at succeeding in corporet america, or whatever... My intelligence is something I have been told will propell me to the hights of whatever highest thing I am climbing. yeah, fine and dandy, I hate my intelligence. I hate being smart some days. because when you actually see the world for what it is, it is a cold and lonely icecave of a place. really. people need stupidity just to survive. why do we work the jobs we do? if you think too closely about it, almost every job but those that provide the most basic of lifesupports become obsolete. the arguments circle round and round faulty predicatives. also, most jobs today are helping us run out of natural resources faster than we can count, and provide no real relevance. Our jobs keep us from community, keep us from time with our family and friends, and yet they are the only reason an intelligent person can see to why we get up in the morning at all. An intelligent person can think for themselves, meaning that when someone confronts them on moral or religious grounds, the intelligent person will once again find themselves on the lonely ground of having done enough research to realize that the point is not religious or moral, but social, and that the person making it will never agree to see that. an Intellectual person sees that emotions are dangerous, and will lead to mess and confusion. but they also know that unless they allow the emotion reign they will be isolated from others, and will have to deal with people who don't think things through before saying them.. In short, the article said that intelligent people take drugs because they are bored. I think they take them in order to shut off the thinking. it seems that the only way to fit into the system is to supress the mind. Anyways. thoughts?

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Ian Frazier's lamentation of the father

WNYC was broadcasting the below piece. I've not laughed this hard with the radio for quite some time! You need to read this with a deep voice, and try to think of 1950's religious radio... Let me know what you think!

Laws Concerning Food and Drink;
Household Principles;
Lamentations of the Father

by Ian Frazier

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea,
and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat,
but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers,
you may eat,
but not in the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese,
you may eat,
but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn
and of the wheat and of the oats,
and of all the cereals that are of bright color
and unknown provenance you may eat,
but not in the living room.
Of the quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats
you may eat,
but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes,
even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink,
but not in the living room,
neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins,
of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something,
then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair,
or in a chair such as a greater person might use,
keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table,
for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils,
nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for;
if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table,
and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth
hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed,
and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within;
I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws,
nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips.
I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker,
draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees,
do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that,
that is why. Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other,
nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup.
And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat of it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not that humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

Complaints and Lamentations
O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner. And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the corner you ask straightaway, "Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you may not come out." And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before. For our health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know.

For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.