Being mistaken for being pregnant...

is only really insulting when your stomach has decided to take on NBA impersonations.
When you're leaning out of a car in the middle of the street in a pool of vomit, it's kind of a relief. Since you can't talk, it's nice that you don't have too.
And yes, the above would indicate that I had ANOTHER one of my attacks.
I was feeding cats, and walked out of the house, into my car, and lost it.
Thank God for Vivian, the pleasant German voice, that came wafting over my car door. She was very sympathetic because she has two kids of her own. I couldn't talk more than whisper at the time, so I don't think I purposefully mislead her about my condition (I clarified later) She understood me enough to call L. at work, who came down, but not before Joanna, the neighbour came out and covered me in cold compresses and brought me water. Vivian stuck around too. There is nothing so nice as comforting hands rubbing mine and my forehead as I'm trying to ride waves of consciousness and discomfort.
I spent the morning in my car on a suburban road in Nyack, trying not to panic.
And you know then thing was, that the first moments were the worst, when I was trying to think logically about what to do. Should I go back inside? No, I'd pass out on the ground and throw up inside, where someone one else will have to clean it up. Do I stay in my car, and hang out the side? what if a weird person stops? my purse is right beside me, with all my info in it. It's not safe. which made me upset because, isn't this Loving God supposed to take care of me?
Then I realized that I seem to think that God will always put me in safe areas, to keep me secure. why I think that I don't know. Made sense at the time I guess. But sitting in that car, I though, well, OK. This is not a safe situations. I'm halfway in the street with the car door open and I can't move. (I wasn't thinking THAT coherently at the time, I'm superimposing structure post-incident. I get that from reading too many books) I'm completely vulnerable, through no choice of my own (I had actually taken very good care of myself, and as per previous incidents I should have been fine once I got to the car. I don't know why this time it kicked into hyper drive) Well, no time like the present for God to show up and protect me. That's when I gave up. (OK to be fair, I also didn't much care at that point, as my entire existence seemed to have centered on my breathing.)
And that's when I heard that lovely German voice ask me how I was doing.
Of all the times I've passed out in strange places, this was, I think, my favorite! Everyone involved was truly sympathetic and completely unknown to me, no-one though I was drunk and, my favorite, no one called 911. I was able to talk enough to convince them it was unnecessary.
L. picked me up and tucked me in on her sofa, and I spendt the rest of the day watching movies. but she also found some more leads on what could be wrong with me. so back to the doctor I go armed with another round of names and symptoms.
I think the best part was when Joanna was describing my condition back to me, and she was trying to see how my life would have to be organized around this. And it hit me again, that, wow, maybe, eventually I can take control of this, but in the meantime, I am done feeling as if I'm a weakling for giving into this ( not that I have much choice, but I always assumed, somewhere inside, that if I only had more willpower, I could get through it)
Anyways. the rest of my life continues on. I'm taking my car in to the shop today to get some things looked at. I've decided to take the tiny litte apartment one street away. It will do me well for now, and lets face it, I've got no family, no pets and I''m making pretty basic money. What more do I need?
more later

appartments and the people in them

Well, I visited two appartments yesterday. what a difference. The first one was very miami beach, a recent divorcee, with the bling and the lips to match the decor. She was very nice, but no legal lease. so, thankfully, there's my easy out.
The second one is a tiny place right down the street, in a much larger house, it has a full bathroom, half kitchen (which means no stove) and small bedroom area. It does have great views and cheap rent. I'm leaning towards this one, but I have to think about it. The couple has two large dogs, whom I love, and they will let me use their upstairs kitchen occasionally. I only use the kitchen occasionally anyways.
I would of course, ideally like a place in wich I could use the kitchen as much as I wanted. but I am thinking about what I can afford, and without a roommate, I can't afford that. and I havn't met anyone who needs a roommate that I would trust so far.
so weighing options. They'll let me move in as soon as possible as well. aagh, I don't know! I don't have to many other options open. I have a studio appartment I'm going to look at, but it's almost over my budget. and it would be a similar situation as this one.
and I like the couple. I think they'd leave me to myself. plus I have my own porch... ok, time to draw up a list of pro's and con's and see where that leads. and look up how many things I can cook with a crockpot and a george forman grill.

Birthday blog

Yes, it's official. I am a quarter of a century old. and looking for a new place to live. What a jazzy life.
My birthday was spent doing laundry, reading anansi boys and watching TV. That was the morning, the afternoon I had lunch/dinner with a friend, who will appear in my memoirs one day as a split personality caracter, each personality named respectivly Glinda and Gollum.. you do the math on why! Needless to say the conversation was brisk and very benificial. Sometimes I think I should record them. Although it would be akward explaining that, 'no, I hadn't added a laught track, we really were laughing that much'
Evening was spent with friends in a pub like place. Havn't quite found a pub in the area that I like so pub-like is the closest I get.
It was nice. Monday I woke up and couldn't breath well, I was so congested. I finally caved in and realized I needed a new place to stay. Imediatly.
So I called L. and instituted my carefully laid back up plan, which has me and my clothes staying on my old sofa which is now in L. appartment. Feels like coming home. I've slept often on that couch. I feel better already, although the congestion is still lurking around the corner.
I also received my mothers package yesterday! Best package in the world! She'd made two calighraphy plaques and framed them in very sophisticated frames. I'm so in love with them, and they fit very well in my office.
Well, keep me in your prayers as I look for a new place!
hopefully I will be able to find a roommate, or a place cheap enough for me to do without.
Just finished The City and The City, by China Mieville, so very different from his other books! in case I had not mentioned, he's my new favorite living author. Yup, marxist socialist phd holder that he is, and only 33! I can look forward to many more books out of him :-) It's very nice to know that not all men I can admire are dead and mouldering in their graves!
(this one's across a continent and about several light klicks away from my philosophy, but it definitly beats dead. The circles are shrinking)

August 13, 2009

I know a lot of archivists and one of their most common laments is the disappearance of the distinct draft manuscript in the digital age. Pre-digital, authors would create a series of drafts for their work, often bearing hand-written notations tracking the thinking behind each revision. By comparing these drafts, archivists and scholars could glean insights into the author's mental state and creative process.

But in the digital era, many authors work from a single file, modifying it incrementally for each revision. There are no distinct, individual drafts, merely an eternally changing scroll that is forever in flux. When the book is finished, all the intermediate steps that the manuscript went through disappear.

http://www.locusmag.com/Perspectives/2009/05/cory-doctorow-extreme-geek.html

I like what this says about how we create things nowadays.

Worldcon and mold

What a title combination. I wish that my week in Montreal could have ended on a much better note than coming home to mold in my appartment, but there it is! I sometimes wonder that being almost (2days left) 25, working fulltime and being fairly frugal I still can't afford a decent appartment. Dust and Ashes. Ah Well.
World con was a Very Interesting Experience. so many, many different things to pick from to write about. I was able to see my former best, now second best, living author up close and in person. Most of my heroes are dead and moldering in the ground somewhere. After a bunch of tearfull moments next to gravestones it's nice to be able to gush over a living author. only that in the weeks before worldcon, I discovered another brilliant man, china mieville, who subplanted Neil Gaiman in my favorites list. Mostly because Gaiman spins stories that are endlessly entertaining, but he never finishes a book! oh, there's an end in which the caracters all bow out, and they are complete novels, but there is no closure. I always get this picture of Neil sitting at a desk, writting and getting nearly done. All the important bits (or the fun bits) are tied up and over with. he's just tidying up at this point, and then suddenly, the doorbells rings and it's a long time no see friend, "Neil! how's it going!" "It's going really well, I'm just finishing up this book for tomorrows deadline" "bugger it, I have this great bottle of port, and a fascinating new art show I wanted to take you too. guess I'll ask someone else" " no.. wait. it's mostly done. I mean, practically speaking, it's done. I, oh for the love of pete, I'll finish it up when we get back" and of course, we know how the story ends. or doesnt't. pet peeve, folks, tiny rant. moving on.
Worldcon... discovered Cory Doctorow. The man's a genius. of course I love anyone who can talk extempora on copyright idiocy for 45 minutes. I love anyone with relevant information and resources. He's one of my favorite people (can't say author, havn't read his stuff, but I did listen to his 45 minute lecture on the history of storing and transmitting data)
My favorite people at the con were the writers. didn't much care for the fans. (excepting the lovely ladies I went with of course)
I am determined to 1) get my PhD and 2) become an expert on something.
so I can have conversations with people about things. It was a sad moment when I realized that I was more versed on the ins and outs of the music department at nyack than on ideas and thoughts that shaped writing. I had to grasp deep in to the recesses of my dark memory to remember why I liked art. Peon of corporate america. that's me.
I'm not writting any concrete facts, I realize that. well, the con started on thursday, we arrived wednesday night. Thursday morning we set up L.'s art and wandered a bit. the three of us split up for the panels the first day and a half. then I realized that I was very much missing human company, and I darn't talk to the people next to me at the cons, because they ran the gamut of every weird and wonderfull, wacky and scary preconceived notion I had. I think next year at Lunacon I will feel more comfortable in approaching people.
My Fantasy/Science Fiction tastes are quite litterary, mirroring the real world, which is oposed to allot of people there who were following battlestar galactica, dr who and other t.v shows. It also differs from comic genres. boy was I glas when I learned of the term Graphic Novel. It really is a necessary term, distinguishing them from different modes of comics.
Anyways, back to facts.
each day we got up, took the metro to the Con attended panels, munched on L's homemade snack bags (sorry, L, for not being more North American in my tasts) meeting for a late lunch and then back to more panels. Evenings we tried to get out and see a bit of the city, which worked once. we ended up in a bar called Yer' Mad. which was a great place! they played a muppet song over the PA system while we were there. can't be too bad. Downed my first guiness. I've sipped, but never finished before. (which leads me to ponder if there is a feminine version of "puts hair on your chest". There should be)
Saturday was the masquarade which was to quote l. "trey Fun" She looked quite regal in her sealy court getup, and the wing mechanism (months of planning, and many hilarious moments for me. such as calling her while she's heating up plastic in a closed environment. "can you get high of of plastic?" "why?" "I've been in my room with it all day and I'm feeling silly") received a round of applause as they went up
All the entries were mindblowingly good. and funny. My favorite was a "public service announcement for the makers of videogames" a stereotypical female video caracter walks out after appearing to escape from a battle and launches into a monologe about the complete freedom from realities tethers that gaming designers (read: men) enjoy when it comes to costume. Cupping the tiny round tin brassiere, she angrily intoned, "this is NOT armour" other points were that if they were going to give her a cape, she would like to be able to cover some point of her body with it, and that 6 inch heels are never, never, ever a good idea for fighting in.
Short skirts as well are equally pointless. There were a number of other good skits.
Sunday night was the hugo awards, at which I learned allot more names of authors I wanted to read.
more later