Tuesday, July 19, 2011

New Beginnings

hello all you wonderful people!
As the title states, this is a week of new beginnings for me. I have had a rough three months, coping with many life changes. I don't know if i understand clearly the extent of what has happened, but I'm beginning to learn the boundaries to my life.
Today I have spent the morning on the phone with strangers, looking into medicaid, looking into unemployment, desperately fighting for my hard earned dignity. Yes, I quit my job. Yes, I have a condition that is very common. Yes, on paper, it looks like I was being lazy. But, what is it Evita says? "no one can faint quite like I can?" I'm sure those are the lyrics :-)
Only this last week have I been able to see a larger picture of what is going on.

I was thinking about all the emotional turmoil I'm in, changing habits, airing old old hurts, trying to navigate the new currents as I let emotions pass through me, instead of trapping them in a box.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. and when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see it's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing, only I will remain" Frank Herbert, Dune.

and of all the physical turmoil, battling Asthma, and NC and possibly depression although wether that is cause or effect I don't yet know. Realizing that my forgetting to eat is leaving my body weak and hovering on malnutrition, knowing that eating will cause more weight gain. (relax, it's a valid problem)

And above all realizing that this is normal. my normal. Above all realizing that it is happening to me, therefore it is truth, and it is valid. I can't question it away, or study it away. no matter how far I run, all this is running with me. so I might as well bed down with the enemy and make it my friend.

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." Carlos Castaneda
"The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. it kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry" Hemingway a farewell to arms.

I realized that I am uber sensitive. physically, mentally, emotionally, I am rigged with a hair-trigger, feeling everything in multiples of what others do. It took me three months to figure that out and accept it and not feel immensely, deeply, foundationaly broken.

This world is not perfect. I am not perfect. I will get messy and I will get messed up. I will be hurt and I will hurt. that is the framework. only within this framework can I really come alive. I have been trying to live in an idealized world that doesn't exist.

so, thank you all for being in my life in one way or another. the light at the end of the tunnel has drowned out the tunnels darkness for a moment. I hope it continues to do so!


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home