Friday, May 28, 2010

This post is one I've been trying to avoid writing for a few weeks. Some of you are up to date on my current situation and others are completely in the dark. To those of you who are, please let me place this disclaimer before all else. you are not less important to me than those who do know. They were simply closer to me at the time, and involved in the events. I've not had the energy or the courage to share much with anyone who did not need to know up to this point. but I have good reasons for sharing now. I hope at the end of this post you will be able to agree with me on that.

After returning from England I found that something in me had, for lack of a better description, snapped. I was no longer able to focus on work, I did not care about my future. Two weeks after being back on the job, I landed in the emergency room for severe stomach pains. Tests were done, and no physical evidence was found to explain these pains. The 4 days leading up to the hospital visit, I had been unable to function. I had a good friend who was watching over me, watching me eat and sleep. These two combined with a year of counseling visits prompted my councilor to recommend I check myself into a hospital. I took her advice, and was admitted to the inpatient unit of a psychiatric hospital. I stayed there for a week. I slept for the first half. The hospital released me into a partial program, which lasted for another week. after that I returned to work full time.
The official diagnosis is I had a major depressive episode, but no history of depression.
In the last months to a year, I have been seeing a councilor, not for depression, but to work through blocks I have somehow placed in my brain. This might sound familiar to you when I say that I have successfully blocked many memories and emotions and even relationships from my conscious mind. I don't know exactly why I started doing this, other than I've been doing it longer than I can remember. Once memories and emotions started coming back, I think it became too much to handle, facing my real life, without my shields. My real life was very empty. I live alone, I work alone, except for my assistant, and many of my friends had been blocked out by my own doing. I was not properly pursuing the goals I had set for myself. I was working in a job I did not like and which was not in my gifting. In short, I was in an isolated, bad place.
I hope in writing this to you, I will be able to take another step away from that place. I want to share with you not just the externals, but the real me. That scares me more than I can say. I have always jealously guarded that person, hiding her so deep within me, I myself don't remember what she looks like. But it start remembering, I need to step out and let you, my family and friends, know where I'm at. I know many of you think well of me, living in New York, on my own, making a life for myself. I hope you will continue to think well of me for being honest in telling you the truth: I ran away to New York, as I run away from everything which required an emotional attachement. But I am determined to stand and face my demons here. I've moved into a much better apartment with a roommate, and am in the process of being accepted into a part time Masters program. I have successfully had some physical conditions analysed and am taking care of those, as I mentioned in previous posts. and lastly, I am stepping out in faith that each one of you who gets this, does in fact care that I am improving, you are in fact, invested in my life. This does not mean I expect anything more from you than what I have now, it simply means a change in my thinking. So this is my way of letting you in, and breaking my isolation. I will not allow myself the luxury of thinking I have to go through this alone. Some of you are actually physically present here, some of you I won't see for years, but I know you are all connected to me in some way. I am thankful for each and every one of you, for what you've done in my life. And I'm sharing this because you have the right to know.
I'm still going to doctors to see whether they can rule out chronic fatigue as another condition, as I am disproportionately tired and still not functioning the best at work. I'm very thankful for understanding bosses, although my work situation is not ideal.
I hope this was enough information, but feel free to ask about anything. I'm trying to be as open about things as possible. I do love you all.